My Zombie Eye

Anybody remember About a Boy with Hugh Grant (ick) and the kid with Spock eyebrows?

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 Kid on the left, Hugh Grant (ick) on the right.

Me and mah boo just watched Warm Bodies and let me tell YOU, that Spock-eyebrowed little ballad-crooner grew up to be damn good looking — even through layers and layers of zombie makeup, which is actually “in” right now. I think we have Twilight to thank for instilling in society-members-of-childbearing-age a love for the palest, gauntest, deadest looking mates available.

Spoiler Alert re: The End of the Human Race: In the year 2050, after decades of media telling us that the sickliest looking dude/dudette will rock our wildest sex dreams, the human race bucked off the shackles of natural selection, failed to procreate, passed on disease, and everyone died. Sorry.

But Nicholas Hoult is still a babe.

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I’ll let him eat my brains.

Ok, I know that was a lot of preamble, so:

SPEAKING OF ZOMBIES, I once had a zombie eye.

I woke up one day and put my contacts in and my eyes were all like, “HELL NO.” I didn’t think much of it since they often speak disrespectfully to me when they see foreign objects coming at them around 3 a.m. before I go to work at A SECRETLY-NAMED BUT VERY FAMOUS COFFEE SHOP*. (*Name has been changed to protect the wealthy)

I popped those puppies right out, put on my glasses, and went to work.

A little background here: I had glasses by second grade. Thick ones. They were big and pink and thick. If your reading glasses that you using right now are pantyliners, my glasses in second grade were the maxipads your mom bought.

Now, they’re more like Depends Overnights. My prescription is -9.00, which means nothing to you unless you have a prescription yourself. Why am I divulging this? Because there’s something sick in me that’s proud of it.

When you’re looking at the world through two inches of concave fancy-glass, you might as well be high. I can’t tell the difference between a grande and a venti ahem, medium and large. Lids? THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME. I have no depth perception either, so when I go to grab a pitcher of steamed milk, I usually punch it instead and it covers my hand in white lava.

As I spoke with customers on this particular day, they each handed me their money, looked up to thank me and backed quickly away. Each had a look of terror on his/her face. A look of panic. A look that say, “Hey, Zombie. Don’t eat my brains.”

Eventually I had to pee, and in the bathroom mirror, I saw that at the end of the long tunnel that is the space between my glasses and my eyeballs, I had a zombie eye. There was a red ring around my iris, and though it did bring out the green flecks in my eyes, it was still freaky as hell. It was also leaking, leaving crusty trails through my makeup. It looked like THIS: 

 

Nah. No picture. Eyeballs freak me out. Google “iritis” at your own risk. 

So I did my research, and I found out that many AS peeps end up getting iritis. I diagnosed myself, and I went to the eye doc in pursuit of a steroid eyedrop. He did not like me knowing things. No he didn’t.

He wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic and some other crap that didn’t work. Two weeks later, when the ring around my iris was enveloping my eyeball, I went back in and he said, “Ah, just as I suspected…iritis!”

To which I responded, “Bitch, HELL no.”

So he gave me the steroid drop that I had originally requested, and it cleared right up.

Hey, Clip Snark! Any luck on clip art of an eyeball all jacked up and weightlifting?

Months later, I started seeing the expression on the customers’ faces again, and I knew I was going Zombie again. I truly think Zombies are becoming a real fear for the average American. Happy ending, though; I still had steroid leftovers!

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7 thoughts on “My Zombie Eye

  1. I love your posts! I needed a good laugh. I have AS along with degenitive spine issue-I honestly don’t know what the heck it is I get to go in tomorrow to get it explained to me by my rhumatologist (figure those odds) I have a herniated disc, I’m basically a hot mess. Oh and I have had chronic iritis/uveitis since October of last year. I’m trying to decide if I should start taking Humira??? I too don’t trust Drs! part of the reason I’ve gotten this far is I’ve been driving this pony and cart and those darn Drs have come along for the ride. I’m considering trying the Eastern medicine route, have you given that any thought?

    Like

    • Hi Shelli!

      I’m so glad you found me! Thank you!

      Damn, girl! A herniated disc on top of everything? Yuck… How was your appointment? Did you find anything out?

      Taking Humira was a really hard decision that I struggled with for nearly a year. I’m going to write a post about it in a couple days, so look out for it! But for now:

      I took that year to try EVERYTHING natural. Except acupuncture. I have a good story about that for another time.

      I did chiropractic three times a week for about two years. It helped, but I felt that we were taking one step forward for each three back. I would recommend trying it for the herniated disc, though. They can help take the pressure off. It’s also great to help with your posture, which has probably suffered through all of this.

      I tried so many different supplements, herbs like turmeric for inflammation, gluten-free/nightshade-free/ probiotics that were cultured in dirt which imbued in them the ability to balance T-cells, magnesium to relax muscles, among many MANY other things. Some helped, some didn’t. Some of them, I still take because they work great in conjunction with the Humira.

      In the end, I decided that the pain had to stop, and I started the Humira. The decision was a terrifying one because, working at a health food store, I wanted to prove that I could beat it naturally. I was also afraid of the side-effects: lupus-like symptoms and lymphoma included. These are things to think about.

      But I decided that I would rather risk those things later in life than sacrifice my youth because we are ALL entitled to our youth, damn it!

      Since you’ve had iritis for a year, you might want to try those things and think about starting Humira a little sooner. You could lose your vision if it’s chronic, and my Dr. (the ONE I actually trusted) told me Humira was the only TNF-blocker that has been proven to keep iritis/uveitis at bay.

      Sorry for the long reply! Basically, try anything you can, make the decision that’s best for you, and remember that the side-effects are only risks versus the inevitability of the condition.

      Also, be happy! It helps more than you’d think!

      Love!

      Like

    • Hi Shelli,

      I was just wondering how you’re doing? What did you decide regarding Humira? How have your symptoms been?

      Katie
      Not Your Mamas AS Blog

      Like

  2. Pingback: Clip Art Sleuth | Clip Snark

  3. Pingback: UPDATE: My Zombie Eye | Not Your Mama's Ankylosing Spondylitis Blog

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