Let’s Talk about Surviving the Apocalypse

I like to think I’m a survivor, a hero, as do we all probably. I like to think that in the case of an apocalypse or a zombie takeover or a robot uprising, I’d be the badass chick with a smear of grease strategically placed along her cheek to enhance her cheekbones, long blond hair pulled back with strands delicately falling around her face, and a fierce expression as I aimed my machine gun into the throng of Cybermen coming to get me and my family. 

And I would win.



The truth? Electricity would probably go out and my medication would go bad. Within two months, I’d be unable to hold up my gun. I’d be slow and get separated from the other survivors and probably get killed OR slow them down and we’d ALL get killed. If I survived somehow by hiding out in a hole, eventually the rest of me would fuse together and I’d either die from hunger or one of them would find me and kill me or take me as an experiment subject or something. 

AS folks, I don’t see us participating much in the Humans vs. Aliens standoff.

In high school, my class discussed world hunger and our place in it as rich white kids. It was almost unanimous that we thought we should help if we had the money. Then this guy up and says, “I think everyone just wants to look like a hero. If we really want to cure world hunger, we should stop helping and let them die.”

OUTCRY. UPRISING. ANGER. GUILT. The class went NUTS. It was a madhouse. How could he be so callous. What an ass. I was surprised because I’d gone through all of grade school and high school in classes with this kid and I’d always thought he was a nice guy. How could I have missed that he was HITLER REINCARNATED?

Because he wasn’t. And the outcry that he calmly sat through was because we all knew it was true, but that knowledge made us feel so damn guilty. But he wasn’t suggesting that’s what we do. He was saying that letting nature do its thing would solve the problem, regardless of the ethics, regardless of what we will and will not allow.

Nature has the ability to do some pretty craaaaazy things. It can fix just about anything, we just don’t let it anymore because it would be devastating to us. We humans are saddled with compassion, which makes it damn near impossible for us to say, “Eh, let ’em die,” (at least outside of corporate America), and with that comes prolonging issues like hunger, overcrowding, disease, and small genetic defects like my nose.

Prepare yourself for some cold logic here:

  • If there are 100 people and the environment can only sustain 50, 50 people are going to starve and die, and the remaining 50 will have enough food.
  • If people with genetic diseases died instead of having children, many of those diseases would disappear.
  • If people stopped taking drugs for life-threatening diseases, the ones whose immune systems couldn’t handle it would die, and the survivors would be stronger.

I’m a terrible person. Right? Nah. I don’t like to think so. I’m not saying we should do this. I’m saying it would fix our problems.

But humans are compassionate. We are born with that, and you could argue that it was evolution that built compassion into us as well. That without compassion, our species, so delicate in its makeup, wouldn’t have aided its community, and as individuals, we would stand no chance against tigers and polar bears and ravenous puppies.

There’s something that nags at me constantly, though. If evolution were uninhibited by human intervention (like, say, in the event of an apocalypse), we, my fellow AS peeps, would die. And that makes me very upset. Very upset indeed.

I don’t know why I think about it, like, all the time, but I do. A few hundred years ago, I’d be left for dead. Evolutionarily, if nature did the healthiest thing for itself, I would be let die. I love evolution. Darwin, boobies, finches, upright walking, but damn if it wouldn’t get me in the end.


These boobies, too.

When I was little, I really just wanted to time travel. Don’t know why. I was bored with Super Mario or something. But now I realize that I’d make it maybe two months before some old-school person killed me because I was walking too slowly in front of them.

Also I’d be blind. Just thought of that. Thanks a lot -9.00 prescription. My blindness would most likely get me killed, probably sooner than the AS, so I guess this whole thing was null.


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