Wow, what a rabble rouser I am. So against the grain and edgy. Look at me, claiming to enjoy being sick! I’m so spunky and different!
With a statement as controversial and polarizing as this one, I feel the need to explain before the riots start and get out of control and I’m pulled off my pedestal (what pedestal?) and tossed to the side in favor of a more normal person who hates being sick.
So there’s something that happens every time I get sick, and it’s kind of magical. I feel GOOD. I mean, obviously I feel crappy. Headaches, congestion, cramps, epic chronic nosebleeds, yeah, but my joints? Miraculously cured.
I have my own theories although I can’t confirm it via the interwebs. I postulate that when you have an autoimmune disorder, getting sick forces your overactive immune system to focus on the actual bad guy invaders instead of your own otherwise healthy tissue. Pretty simple. Pretty solid. Maybe not fact, but it’s the closest explanation I can come up with.
Every time someone around me gets sick, I’m like, “Hey, you wanna get ice cream and share a spoon?” “Hey, can I have a drink from your water bottle?” “Hey, stranger who lives next to the Starbucks Dumpster, wanna make out with me?”
I spent most of December and January rolling a gooey snot ball around in my lungs and coughing shit up. It felt pretty gross, but if I could have breathed better, I promise you my body would have felt great on a 10-mile jog. My head was all fuzzy, but my arms and legs were ready to go, strong as bull.
I want to invent a miracle cure. It’s simple. It’s cheap. But no one’s looking into it as far as I know.
I’m going to need to you to go into your little labs and do some research for me. No, no, no. Please put down the spring-loaded syringe pen and listen to me for a minute because I don’t really like that thing.
Step 1: Grab some Petri dishes and start cooking. Your mission, should you accept it (which you probably won’t because I’m talking to myself out here in interweb space), is to figure out a nice little germ that’s innocuous enough to not give someone any symptoms but will still attract the attention of someone’s immune system.
The perfect culturing medium
Step 2: Inject these germs into some autoimmune patients. Please be gentle. We’re tired of shots, and no, you don’t just “get used to them” when the liquid inside is actually made of battery acid and microscopic razor blades.
Step 3: Monitor symptoms. I’m sure you know how to record data and all that stuff. Keep tabs on everyone’s inflammation levels and stuff and see what happens.
Step 4: If you’ve created a mutant superbug that’s sweeping the nation destroying everyone in it’s path, you done fucked up.
Step 4 (alternate): If you have NOT created a superbug, you’re good. Keep going.
Step 5: If this little germ helps patients and does not cause any symptoms, MASS PRODUCE IT!!!
Until this process is done, I will just keep shaking hands with sick people and licking my palm after. Ah, the salty taste of temporary relief!
Look out for part 2 of this post next week in which I look at some germs you can get WITHOUT snuggling up to someone’s leaking nostrils — probiotics!
And with that, I leave you with one final thought:
The technical term for “gross snot and boogs” is “Bronchial secretions.” Visualize and enjoy!