I Love Being Sick Part 2: Probiotic Frenzy!

Welcome back to part two!

Guess what! I’m sick again! Some throat thing. It hurts, but my body feels GOOOOD!

One theory regarding the prevalence of autoimmune disorders is that we don’t get enough dirt in our diets that supplies the germs that support a balanced immune system. One of my friends recommended eating a spoonful of dirt from my yard each day. Could be beneficial, but I don’t know if the people who owned the house before us fertilized with chemicals, and also my dogs have recently acquired worms.

Back in the day, fruits and vegetables weren’t sterilized before they made it into our likewise grubby hands. There were bacteria on everything we ate and before you say eeeeeewwwwwwwwww, remember that those bacteria were what supported our immune system. They were good for us.

Now we wash, bleach, disinfect, sterilize, polish and freaking wax our fruits and vegetables. What does that do to these crucial environmental probiotics? It sends them on a cilia-raising thrillride down the waterslide of the factory’s drainage system.

And it’s a rusty thrillride.

I’m not endorsing any particular product. I haven’t even tried this one myself because I’m supposed to be off all probiotics until I poop in a box to send through the US Postal Service (hey! Maybe your meal delivery service package will be on the same truck as my poop!) where, upon receipt, really unlucky lab workers will test my doo doo for Klebsiella bacteria, a potential factor in ankylosing spondylitis. Since I’ve been putting off this shitty adventure, I haven’t taken my trusty probies for a couple months now.

When I resume, I’m going to try Just Thrive Probiotics. Composed of the bacillus strains abundant in nature that we just don’t get anymore, these bacteria are stable in the environment as well as inside the host and also act as an antibiotic, killing off only the bad bacteria. They form a shell that keeps them safe and viable through the gastric system.

I am skeptical about one thing. I’ve heard these kinds of probiotics help balance the immune system, but Just Thrive’s website emphasizes the immune boosting properties of each strain, which is not necessarily what someone with an autoimmune disorder needs. Maybe that’s just marketing though, since that’s what the general population wants.

One of the strains, bacillus coagulans claims to help patients with IBS and Crohn’s. I skimmed a few studies like this, this and this that confirm these claims. This strain also apparently supports anti-inflammation systems in your body.

Oh, and also BOOM! THIS, a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled, parallel-design, clinical pilot trial (*deep inhale*) that shows it reduces rheumatoid arthritis symptoms. SAY WHA? Sign me up, Baby!

According to the National Institutes of Health, patients taking immunosuppressants should exercise caution since it stimulates the immune system. FUCK THAT. I like to live on the edge.

I know I just talked about the one probiotic, and it TOTALLY sounds like I’m TOTALLY promoting it, but I’m not. No one has given me any money, but hey, if I’m going to talk about Humira by name, I’m sure as shit going to talk about my probiotics by name. Try them or don’t. It’s your life!

(Dear Just Thrive, If you DO decide to give me money, I’ll talk about your product in every post for the foreseeable future. Call me!)

I Love Being Sick Part 1: Establishing the Contoversy

Wow, what a rabble rouser I am. So against the grain and edgy. Look at me, claiming to enjoy being sick! I’m so spunky and different!

With a statement as controversial and polarizing as this one, I feel the need to explain before the riots start and get out of control and I’m pulled off my pedestal (what pedestal?) and tossed to the side in favor of a more normal person who hates being sick.

So there’s something that happens every time I get sick, and it’s kind of magical. I feel GOOD. I mean, obviously I feel crappy. Headaches, congestion, cramps, epic chronic nosebleeds, yeah, but my joints? Miraculously cured.

I have my own theories although I can’t confirm it via the interwebs. I postulate that when you have an autoimmune disorder, getting sick forces your overactive immune system to focus on the actual bad guy invaders instead of your own otherwise healthy tissue. Pretty simple. Pretty solid. Maybe not fact, but it’s the closest explanation I can come up with.

Every time someone around me gets sick, I’m like, “Hey, you wanna get ice cream and share a spoon?” “Hey, can I have a drink from your water bottle?” “Hey, stranger who lives next to the Starbucks Dumpster, wanna make out with me?”

I spent most of December and January rolling a gooey snot ball around in my lungs and coughing shit up. It felt pretty gross, but if I could have breathed better, I promise you my body would have felt great on a 10-mile jog. My head was all fuzzy, but my arms and legs were ready to go, strong as bull.

I want to invent a miracle cure. It’s simple. It’s cheap. But no one’s looking into it as far as I know.

DEAR DOCTORS,

I’m going to need to you to go into your little labs and do some research for me. No, no, no. Please put down the spring-loaded syringe pen and listen to me for a minute because I don’t really like that thing.

Step 1: Grab some Petri dishes and start cooking. Your mission, should you accept it (which you probably won’t because I’m talking to myself out here in interweb space), is to figure out a nice little germ that’s innocuous enough to not give someone any symptoms but will still attract the attention of someone’s immune system.

The perfect culturing medium

Step 2: Inject these germs into some autoimmune patients. Please be gentle. We’re tired of shots, and no, you don’t just “get used to them” when the liquid inside is actually made of battery acid and microscopic razor blades.

Step 3: Monitor symptoms. I’m sure you know how to record data and all that stuff. Keep tabs on everyone’s inflammation levels and stuff and see what happens.

Step 4: If you’ve created a mutant superbug that’s sweeping the nation destroying everyone in it’s path, you done fucked up.

Step 4 (alternate): If you have NOT created a superbug, you’re good. Keep going.

Step 5: If this little germ helps patients and does not cause any symptoms, MASS PRODUCE IT!!!

Until this process is done, I will just keep shaking hands with sick people and licking my palm after. Ah, the salty taste of temporary relief!

Sincerely,

Me

Look out for part 2 of this post next week in which I look at some germs you can get WITHOUT snuggling up to someone’s leaking nostrils — probiotics!

And with that, I leave you with one final thought:

The technical term for “gross snot and boogs” is “Bronchial secretions.” Visualize and enjoy!